As in No Motivation! I feel like I'm wallowing in the mud all day every day. Not about dirt. It's about feeling like life is in slow motion and all one color and you can't figure out how to speed it up or even change the color balance. The volume seems too loud yet muffled at the same time. How is it that life can have no color or taste? Everything just seems to have this muddy grayness to it.
When I read my art books it feels like I'm looking out into the world at all the real things that have brilliant color and vibrancy to them. Some days it's like I'm sinking into some kind of goo and can't get out. I want my joy back. I want to feel alive again. Like life is more than cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapers, breaking up fights between the kids, extinguishing the fires of my 10 year olds tantrums. What was life like before I had kids? I don't even remember. Where's the box I stashed my soul in? It's buried under something or stashed in a closet somewhere........I hope. What's taking me so long to even bother to go look for it? What would I do with it if I found it? Do I do the "selfish" thing and take some "me" time? Would the husband and kids take offense? Absolutely.
Hubby would love for me to get a job but that would require him taking on more responsibility around here......Ain't gonna happen. Who would be here for the kids after school? They could go to an after school program for about $55.00 each per week. Gee, that would be most of my paycheck right there!.....What would be the point? Between child care, gas, work clothes, etc. I'd end up owing money at the end of the week. I haven't worked a real job in 8 years. Who'd hire me for more than $10 and hour? The last little part time job I had last year totally screwed me over. No thanks. I want to paint and that's what I'm going to do......Damnit!
