Sunday, April 15, 2007
same crap different day
Why is that, to a drunk, the next day is as if nothing ever happened the day before? Like "What's your problem? What are you so mad about?....." Excuse me? Do you not recall all the things you said last night? Am I just supposed to forget everything just because you conveniently did? No.........Just NO. I need to throw up right now.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
April is half over!
Am I sleeping through every day? Where does the time go?....Even though it feels like time is standing still. Life really sucks right now. Guess it's my own fault. If I want things to change I have to be willing to change them, right? Not quite so easy. As soon as I think things might be going ok.....things haven't really changed at all. Tony is a drunk and always will be. When he drinks (no matter how little or much) he becomes a self-centered, cynical, confrontational asshole. But then isn't that all alcoholics?
You know, when you spend 13 plus years working in a bar you tell yourself over and over, "I'll never marry an alcoholic." And then who do you run to? The only type you know......the alcoholic. I also said I'd never do what my mother did - marry sick bastards and keep running away from them (3 kids in tow every time).
Tony's the only man I ever married and my intention was to stick it out, you know, "for better or worse." Well, there's a whole lot more "worse" than there is "better." I have been determined to make this marriage work but at what cost? The kids see their dad drink and drive (with them in the car, no less) on an almost daily basis. They aren't always in the car (Thank GOD!) but they see him get out of his truck (personal and work) with a half empty beer in his hand just about every day. If and when I say something, that's his excuse to go and get another one.....Just to show me he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants because "he deserves it." I'm so sick of it.
I want to leave, I really do. But I don't have a leg to stand on. I own nothing. There is not one thing in my name. If I have a vehicle, he picks it out and brings it to me to "surprise" me. The vehicle I bought (my name mind you) before we met (which we kept for 7 years) he took one day when he was drunk and traded it for a real POS that had just been trucked in from the auction. It had no tag, no papers of any kind, no inspection, had not even been taken off the carrier.....and he bought it. And the skeaming salesman let him. He didn't even have the title to my car.....But then he never got the title to the POS van either. The van had no transmission, no headlights and no back seat. But from the road "it looked nice..." LOL!!!!!!!!! What a load of S__t! OMG What kind of idiot does that?? Yeah, ok. What kind of idiot marries an idiot like that? .......Right.
Ok....How do I fix this mess? Not his mess, MY mess. I own it and I want to clean it up and walk away from this pit of hell forever. How do I do that? How do I start with nothing but children to my name? And then I'll still have to fight for full custody of them. So what's really mine? I do have a bank account that's in my name....There's no money in it, but it's mine. My husband only hands me enough money to pay the few bills that are in my name that he says are all my responsibility. And I mean enough money to the penny....and that's it. I have zero income. No "allowance", no "weekly grocery money", no nothing. If I wanted to take the boys to McDonald's for lunch one afternoon, I couldn't. If I run out of gas and I have no "stash" or change, oh, well. Too bad, so sad.
How do I get out? How do I make this as painless as possible for the kids? IS that possible? When I was growing up my mom moved us across state lines once or twice a year. Just shoved what she could in the trunk of the car and left. I lack that boldness. She didn't care what anybody thought or did; she just took what belonged to her, us, and left when he wasn't looking. But she always had somewhere to go. I don't have that. Where do I go? Mom's house is way too small. And there isn't anyone else.
Maybe I'm not thinking hard enough about it. My head hurts from thinking about it. I need a way to be independent again. I really hate being dependent on someone for my every need. But I tolerated it so I could stay home with my kids. Now I feel like I'm trapped. A nobody in a hole too big to get out of. There has to be something for a 40 year old mom to do to make enough money to survive. But I don't want to just survive; I want to thrive. I want to make him wish he could be a part of what I really am. I'm a REAL person with REAL needs and none of those needs are for him.
You know, when you spend 13 plus years working in a bar you tell yourself over and over, "I'll never marry an alcoholic." And then who do you run to? The only type you know......the alcoholic. I also said I'd never do what my mother did - marry sick bastards and keep running away from them (3 kids in tow every time).
Tony's the only man I ever married and my intention was to stick it out, you know, "for better or worse." Well, there's a whole lot more "worse" than there is "better." I have been determined to make this marriage work but at what cost? The kids see their dad drink and drive (with them in the car, no less) on an almost daily basis. They aren't always in the car (Thank GOD!) but they see him get out of his truck (personal and work) with a half empty beer in his hand just about every day. If and when I say something, that's his excuse to go and get another one.....Just to show me he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants because "he deserves it." I'm so sick of it.
I want to leave, I really do. But I don't have a leg to stand on. I own nothing. There is not one thing in my name. If I have a vehicle, he picks it out and brings it to me to "surprise" me. The vehicle I bought (my name mind you) before we met (which we kept for 7 years) he took one day when he was drunk and traded it for a real POS that had just been trucked in from the auction. It had no tag, no papers of any kind, no inspection, had not even been taken off the carrier.....and he bought it. And the skeaming salesman let him. He didn't even have the title to my car.....But then he never got the title to the POS van either. The van had no transmission, no headlights and no back seat. But from the road "it looked nice..." LOL!!!!!!!!! What a load of S__t! OMG What kind of idiot does that?? Yeah, ok. What kind of idiot marries an idiot like that? .......Right.
Ok....How do I fix this mess? Not his mess, MY mess. I own it and I want to clean it up and walk away from this pit of hell forever. How do I do that? How do I start with nothing but children to my name? And then I'll still have to fight for full custody of them. So what's really mine? I do have a bank account that's in my name....There's no money in it, but it's mine. My husband only hands me enough money to pay the few bills that are in my name that he says are all my responsibility. And I mean enough money to the penny....and that's it. I have zero income. No "allowance", no "weekly grocery money", no nothing. If I wanted to take the boys to McDonald's for lunch one afternoon, I couldn't. If I run out of gas and I have no "stash" or change, oh, well. Too bad, so sad.
How do I get out? How do I make this as painless as possible for the kids? IS that possible? When I was growing up my mom moved us across state lines once or twice a year. Just shoved what she could in the trunk of the car and left. I lack that boldness. She didn't care what anybody thought or did; she just took what belonged to her, us, and left when he wasn't looking. But she always had somewhere to go. I don't have that. Where do I go? Mom's house is way too small. And there isn't anyone else.
Maybe I'm not thinking hard enough about it. My head hurts from thinking about it. I need a way to be independent again. I really hate being dependent on someone for my every need. But I tolerated it so I could stay home with my kids. Now I feel like I'm trapped. A nobody in a hole too big to get out of. There has to be something for a 40 year old mom to do to make enough money to survive. But I don't want to just survive; I want to thrive. I want to make him wish he could be a part of what I really am. I'm a REAL person with REAL needs and none of those needs are for him.
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