Right now I am so tired and angry my insides are boiling....literally, to the point of pain and nausea. All little hairs are standing on end. Hard to explain but PMS got nothin' on this! Long story, but could be a quick fix.........D-I-V-O-R-C-E. It's just so frustrating. I'm trying to do the right thing. But this marriage has been bad since "I do." And I knew it when I said it. But I said it anyway and regretted it for all of the last 13 years. You keep telling yourself you can make this work. But you can't make people change. You can't make them to be who they are not capable of being. You can lie to yourself all you want and it will never be true. The hardest thing to do is to except it. I'm still working on that part. We do the same things, go through the same motions over and over and expect a different result every time.....like rolling dice. But every roll is "snake eyes." This has never been a marriage as is intended; it's just a bad business relationship. A really bad one. The biggest questions now are when? and how? I have no money, nothing in my name but an empty bank account and three grade school kids in tow. If (when) I leave I will be giving up everything but the kids. We have nowhere to go, to live. I don't have a single relative that could take us in. Yes, I'm coming up with any and every excuse possible NOT to make this move. Guess I'm looking for somebody to tell me what to do and how to do it....To do everything short of packing my things for me. So, yeah, I need the biggest match in the world to be lit and shoved under my unmotivated ass. But right now I have to fix dinner for my kids............."Hubby" is drinking his dinner with his buddies.

Long time, No type

It's been way too long since I've been here typing. I really need to vent but............Oh yeah, that's what my therapist is for! Har, Har! Typing is better and it's free! You know what?.........Today I'm drawing a blank. How can that be? I want desperately to puke words all over this page but it ain't happening. Weird......Guess I'm not in that mode of thinking. Sometimes I don't even bother to think....Just kinda coast on automatic. When I wake up I'll be back...........

Changes, PLEASE!

Things have got to change........Don't know exactly how or when....but something has to. I absolutely must find a job of some sort. But what? I can't and won't do the minimum wage thing. Nobody would hire me anyway for that; I'm "over qualified." Does hunger count as a qualification? Suppose not.
Let's see.....I graduated HS at the top of my class ('85), graduated with an AA at the top of my class, have completed 3 semesters toward my BFA and received certs in desktop publishing and printing. And none of that does me any good now since I haven't used it in the last 15 or so years. Just because I haven't been "swimming" in the last 15 years doesn't mean I've forgotten how to "swim." Have I forgotten how to ride a bike? No. Do these things require updated skills in order to perform them now? No....But everything else seems to. I'm a really fast learner...... And I listen well. Do these things count for nothing?
Ok, so I wouldn't be able to hit the ground running in any of the art fields. But can't I start out with a slow jog? Nope...'cause time is money. I understand that. But wouldn't it pay to invest in someone that you can train to do things just YOUR way? Does anyone pay for training anymore? Are there no paid apprenticeships anymore?
You know what? All I want to do is paint......PAINT,PAINT,PAINT! I want to see it, smell it, feel it, even taste it! And I don't mean house paint. I mean acrylic paint......Thick paint.....Thin paint.....Runny paint...... Does anyone know how I can make this happen and get paid doing it NOW?
Charlotte does not like outsiders in their art world...And I stress THEIR art world. If you don't come in on someone elses heels you can almost forget it. Names matter here. And my name isn't CHARLOTTE!

same crap different day

Why is that, to a drunk, the next day is as if nothing ever happened the day before? Like "What's your problem? What are you so mad about?....." Excuse me? Do you not recall all the things you said last night? Am I just supposed to forget everything just because you conveniently did? No.........Just NO. I need to throw up right now.

April is half over!

Am I sleeping through every day? Where does the time go?....Even though it feels like time is standing still. Life really sucks right now. Guess it's my own fault. If I want things to change I have to be willing to change them, right? Not quite so easy. As soon as I think things might be going ok.....things haven't really changed at all. Tony is a drunk and always will be. When he drinks (no matter how little or much) he becomes a self-centered, cynical, confrontational asshole. But then isn't that all alcoholics?
You know, when you spend 13 plus years working in a bar you tell yourself over and over, "I'll never marry an alcoholic." And then who do you run to? The only type you know......the alcoholic. I also said I'd never do what my mother did - marry sick bastards and keep running away from them (3 kids in tow every time).
Tony's the only man I ever married and my intention was to stick it out, you know, "for better or worse." Well, there's a whole lot more "worse" than there is "better." I have been determined to make this marriage work but at what cost? The kids see their dad drink and drive (with them in the car, no less) on an almost daily basis. They aren't always in the car (Thank GOD!) but they see him get out of his truck (personal and work) with a half empty beer in his hand just about every day. If and when I say something, that's his excuse to go and get another one.....Just to show me he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants because "he deserves it." I'm so sick of it.
I want to leave, I really do. But I don't have a leg to stand on. I own nothing. There is not one thing in my name. If I have a vehicle, he picks it out and brings it to me to "surprise" me. The vehicle I bought (my name mind you) before we met (which we kept for 7 years) he took one day when he was drunk and traded it for a real POS that had just been trucked in from the auction. It had no tag, no papers of any kind, no inspection, had not even been taken off the carrier.....and he bought it. And the skeaming salesman let him. He didn't even have the title to my car.....But then he never got the title to the POS van either. The van had no transmission, no headlights and no back seat. But from the road "it looked nice..." LOL!!!!!!!!! What a load of S__t! OMG What kind of idiot does that?? Yeah, ok. What kind of idiot marries an idiot like that? .......Right.
Ok....How do I fix this mess? Not his mess, MY mess. I own it and I want to clean it up and walk away from this pit of hell forever. How do I do that? How do I start with nothing but children to my name? And then I'll still have to fight for full custody of them. So what's really mine? I do have a bank account that's in my name....There's no money in it, but it's mine. My husband only hands me enough money to pay the few bills that are in my name that he says are all my responsibility. And I mean enough money to the penny....and that's it. I have zero income. No "allowance", no "weekly grocery money", no nothing. If I wanted to take the boys to McDonald's for lunch one afternoon, I couldn't. If I run out of gas and I have no "stash" or change, oh, well. Too bad, so sad.
How do I get out? How do I make this as painless as possible for the kids? IS that possible? When I was growing up my mom moved us across state lines once or twice a year. Just shoved what she could in the trunk of the car and left. I lack that boldness. She didn't care what anybody thought or did; she just took what belonged to her, us, and left when he wasn't looking. But she always had somewhere to go. I don't have that. Where do I go? Mom's house is way too small. And there isn't anyone else.
Maybe I'm not thinking hard enough about it. My head hurts from thinking about it. I need a way to be independent again. I really hate being dependent on someone for my every need. But I tolerated it so I could stay home with my kids. Now I feel like I'm trapped. A nobody in a hole too big to get out of. There has to be something for a 40 year old mom to do to make enough money to survive. But I don't want to just survive; I want to thrive. I want to make him wish he could be a part of what I really am. I'm a REAL person with REAL needs and none of those needs are for him.

No Moto!

As in No Motivation! I feel like I'm wallowing in the mud all day every day. Not about dirt. It's about feeling like life is in slow motion and all one color and you can't figure out how to speed it up or even change the color balance. The volume seems too loud yet muffled at the same time. How is it that life can have no color or taste? Everything just seems to have this muddy grayness to it.
When I read my art books it feels like I'm looking out into the world at all the real things that have brilliant color and vibrancy to them. Some days it's like I'm sinking into some kind of goo and can't get out. I want my joy back. I want to feel alive again. Like life is more than cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapers, breaking up fights between the kids, extinguishing the fires of my 10 year olds tantrums. What was life like before I had kids? I don't even remember. Where's the box I stashed my soul in? It's buried under something or stashed in a closet somewhere........I hope. What's taking me so long to even bother to go look for it? What would I do with it if I found it? Do I do the "selfish" thing and take some "me" time? Would the husband and kids take offense? Absolutely.
Hubby would love for me to get a job but that would require him taking on more responsibility around here......Ain't gonna happen. Who would be here for the kids after school? They could go to an after school program for about $55.00 each per week. Gee, that would be most of my paycheck right there!.....What would be the point? Between child care, gas, work clothes, etc. I'd end up owing money at the end of the week. I haven't worked a real job in 8 years. Who'd hire me for more than $10 and hour? The last little part time job I had last year totally screwed me over. No thanks. I want to paint and that's what I'm going to do......Damnit!

This year is already flying by....I can't believe February is half over. April will sneak up on me like a nightmare. Our taxes have still not been done. And I really don't anticipate them getting done in time. But then we're never on time, anyway, so why start now?
Too many distractions. Am I ADHD? Nah, just totally unmotivated. The daily nothingness and "everything-ness" get in the way of clear thinking. I nearly had two traffic accidents before 7:30 am. and I thought I was paying attention. Guess not. Maybe some part of my brain was still sleeping..........sssnnnxxxxxxxxxx............................................

Gotta get to work!

My new site is up but I have MUCH to do! I really have to learn better time management skills. I have to build an inventory of artwork of every kind just to have something for potential customers to look at! Most of my work (older work) was damaged in a house flood so I don't have that to use as a foundation.
I wish I had a studio so I could isolate myself (from my domestic duties), my brain in particular, and be surrounded only by work related things. I seem to have a hard time switching gears. I know these things don't excuse my lack of discipline, but I really don't have any self discipline! Not with food. Not with time. Not with exercise. Not with seperating my priorities. What are my life goals? Excuse me? What are goals?............
I've let myself become the eternal victim. Life sortof lives me; I don't live life. Instead of being proactive I've been reactive......to almost everything. "I'm the mom therefore I have to put any and all dreams I have for myself in the back of the closet until everybody grows up (including my husband)." But two out of five are now grown and now I'm doing the same so I can take care of grandbabies.....Hey! I'm only 39. I have years left to think about me, right? Am I being selfish to complain? I really don't think so.
There were several continuing education classes at the college that I wanted to take this semester but they were either all day or at night which won't work. I've been collecting various art supplies just in case such a class happened to come my way but they will continue to gather dust until resurection day! For now, there are always frozen cappuccinos and iced lattes to indulge my fleeting fantasies.........

I was planning on getting rid of old computer parts today..........Someone was supposed to pick them up this afternoon........But now she wants to wait till Saturday. Whatever. At least I don't have to count Fruit Loops anymore. Ok! Ok! I was helping my son with his 5th grade experiment! Loads of fun......
Right now I'm most worried about the whereabouts of my daughter and grandchild. They were supposed to be home last night but never showed up. Her boyfriend has college classes right now and her cellphone was left in her bedroom so it wouldn't do me any good to call. Guess I'll just have to wait.

I have a new web site! Kinda boring right now, but....I have a web site! www.easternskyimages.com. Pictures will be added very soon. I still have to take photos of the latest murals. Visit soon!