I went to see my nutritionist today and looks like I gained about half of a pound. Imagine that! Maybe it's because I'm not working. Who knows. But I ordered Michael Thurmond's 6 week body makeover. We'll see what all that involves. Anything is better than what I'm doing now.....which is ......nothing. Should I put my family responsibilities aside and look harder for work? Set up conferences with those in the know? If I can't seperate family time with work now then what makes me think I can do it if I actually get a real paying job? Discipline! Or the lack thereof..........That's it in one single, solitary BIG FAT word!
Should I try the lottery? Or is that me trying to take control away from God and leaving it to fate? It's time to start living and not just existing..........My self confidence is on hiatus. Who's a good motivator? I need a cheerleader or two (or fifty) to follow me around. The next $100 I get (that I can invest in myself) goes straight to art supplies. Paper in particular. I know of a wonderful art store.........Binders..........I could spend hours in there and the store is barely 400 square feet total. The bookstore is a great hideaway too. But then I'm not supposed to be hiding am I?
I suppose hiding is in my nature. After years of physical, verbal and sexual abuse as a kid, that's kind of all I ever wanted to do............Hide. Whatever it took to not be noticed.......hoping to just disappear and be forgotten so nobody would ever know. Especially since no one believed me anyway. Growing up and seeking out the kind of men I always hated doesn't help. It's ironic that those are the men I notice first. Sort of like self punishment........believing you're not worthy of anything better because you were used like a dirty rag and can never truly be clean again. Or so you believe. But God is wonderful and sent His Son to clean even the dirtiest of souls. All you have to do is ask. I did.
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